Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Journey is About to Begin

I grew up in a military town. Constantly around military men, and their wives, I decided at a young age that the military life wasn't for me. Little did I know I was going to meet a man that would make it very hard to stick to that decision.
As a short background story, James and I met 3.5 years ago, through mutual friends. I was instantly drawn to him. He had that gaze that just gave you butterflies and I loved the way he made me feel. Like something special. Which was not something I got from many people back then. The months went by and soon he moved to my town and we started dating. He told me he was going to school to be a police officer and pretty much left it at that. As time went on I learned that he had applied a few times to get into the military but it didn't work out and he pretty much left it at that. Two years into our relationship he tells me he'd like to apply to get into the military again. This time he wanted to apply to go to the Royal Military College (an esteemed college specifically for people who want to get degrees and be officers in the military). At that time he told me that I was important to him, but the military isn't really the place for a family and when he went away that would be the end of our relationship. I was devastated, but I stuck by him. I'd rather have all the time I could with him and have a difficult goodbye then leave him. Besides, what if he didn't get in? Then I'd have left him for nothing. Well, my determination to stay with him really hit him and he told me that he wanted me to move to Kingston with him if he was accepted. Which he wasn't. Like I said, it's an esteemed college that's very, very tough to get into. Well, he stopped talking about the military and I assumed he'd dropped it and decided to pursue another career. Until February of this year, when he was browsing the internet, looking at god knows what, and up and said "I think I want to apply for the military again. Now, I love you, and I want to be with you, and I want you to stay with me so I'll give you the choice. Just know that this is something I've wanted for a long time now".
Well how the hell could I say no to that? Which was my first instinct. I cried and pondered the decision for days. I tried to put it off, but eventually I decided that I'd be better off taking the risk of telling him I'm ok with him joining and possibly liking the military lifestyle than saying no and having him resent me for it.
Well, today James found out he's been accepted. He doesn't know what trade he was accepted for, or when he starts basic training. All we know is that he's in, and there's a basic training course starting next month sometime which he could be part of.
I was blown through a whirlwind of emotions. Shock. Not that I was surprised he was accepted, I had a feeling it was coming, but shock that I was going to have to deal with this sooner than I'd thought. We've just been accepted for a new apartment and the move-in date is September 1st, so I could be left by myself to move.
Sadness. I'm not looking forward to being alone for months at a time for the first time in my life. I've always had someone there. My sister, my mom, my dad, James. For the first 5 weeks of training I'm not allowed to have any contact with him whatsoever.
Anger. He's so happy that he was accepted. After waiting for so long to get into the military. I can completely understand why he's happy, and there's no logical reason why he shouldn't be, but having him hugging me and smiling while I'm breaking down inside (and a little on the outside) just angered me a little.
Fear. What if I can't handle the military lifestyle? What if I can't handle being away from him? Even worse, what if he gets lonely..... a little too lonely? I know that sounds terrible and for the most part I trust him, but you hear so many horror stories.
Relief. James finally having something that he wants to do with the rest of his life takes a little bit of weight off my shoulders. When he was waiting for an answer he would flop from career to career saying he actually did want to join the police force, or go back to school, or become a firefighter. Not knowing if I was going to have to deal with him being a student again was starting to stress me out a little bit.

I really don't know what's going to happen. I'm so apprehensive about my future now. I don't where I'll be in a year. I could be back in my home town, or in Alberta, or Nova Scotia. I hate not having a plan. I hate that someone can play god with my life and uproot me anytime. I hate that I'm going to have to be alone, and do everything alone. I'll have to eat alone, do groceries alone, furnish the apartment alone, clean alone. I'll have to rely on my friends and family when I need someone to do something with.

Right now I think I'm going to pour myself into work, and school, blogging and such and just hope that time will go by quickly.

xoxo - C